New year coming.. again?

It is the jolly time of the year again. Tra la la la and all that. Jolly sure if you have something amazing to look forward to. But really, admit it, it's the same old dish served out with different side dressings year on year. The fun part seems to be long over, and it seems as if the path ahead could be anything - I can still hope for an amazing turnaround and see a sitcom like ending perfecto, or just accept this reality crap and start to "settle" down - but before the crazies of your mind take this settling to mean the perfect Indian matrimony ending, it does NOT in any way refer to that. I refer here to those fantasies and awesomeness that you imagined your adult life to be when you were a gawky insecure teenager, and which might not exactly be panning out in the exact same manner. Life's a bitch - you are blessed with this overactive imaginative mind who can't help doling out these amazing scenarios to you and unless you were blessed with some guardian angel's hand hovering over your head every second of your existence, the story most likely is that you are settling in with whatever twists and turns that has become your life. Nothing that you thought would exist forever is actually going in tandem with the phrase "ad infinitum" that you stamped them with. The sureties  are giving way to maybes, the dynamics of your relationships with different people keep changing with the sudden unexpected developments that have developed a habit of popping out at the least expected of moments. The constant race of life doesn't show any signs of giving up - started way back in school when life was still beautiful on the cusp, and now its become a never ending drama that has all the elements of adult life - not all of which are particularly enjoyable. Sure you have the confidence and the independence and the money, but mostly, its nothing more - the humor and jokes are wasted on blank walls or people around you who don't get you - because the people who did, are not around you; special moments that you waited or planned for have an unfortunate habit of not happening as in a dream, you have the money but you don't have the time for using it in the way you would have wanted, or probably you don't have as much money as you wanted. Maybe as a person you've evolved and reached that stage you always wanted, but maybe its a little late, as now, you don't really care how others perceive you - you're busy and overworked and alone and exhausted and you keep thinking wistfully of the past which seemed so bland at that time- but you don't get the security that maybe this present is also good, because you know, that stage was really good. Maybe it doesn't really get better. How can getting older really be better anyway? You are confided to an opinion set - because suddenly everyone's an adult (I say you're just plain scared of the future now) and you guard your opinions fiercely, and I come back to it, you are alone in a mad mad city (unless of course if you "settled" in to crazy matrimony). As this ranting goes on, a separate cerebral lobe has started to paint another picture "before the storm comes the silentest seas" - I hope so the silence of any development in this crazy work life is a just a brief crazy prelude to how life again would be topsy turvy, unpredictable, and happy again!

(yes its rattled even the most "stick to rules and routines" "no changes please" person like me)

Let my country.. nay.. let me awake

For the past few weeks, I had an alarm set, and irritatingly and incorrectly, quite early in the morning. Everyday it would go buzzing in the morning at 5 AM, when I really didn't need to wake up until 7... the alarm tone was also a sleep kill and mood killer, with an shrill piercing tone. I would wake up every morning, and set it off, sometimes setting it on snooze. Needless to say, this little activity every morning would rob me any sound sleep for the next 2 hours.

I don't know why I let this status-quo continue for the subsequent weeks. Did I expect someone else would eventually change the alarm time? And the tone? But wasn't it my sleep? shouldn't I be taking care of it instead of depending on some imaginary eventual self change?

I finally reset the alarm today, changed the tone to a more peaceful one, and it actually seemed as if a weight had been lifted off. So amazing it is to look forward to those extra 2 hours of sleep, in peace!

And now if i extrapolate this scene to a larger picture, isn't this what we are doing to our society and politics? we let the status quo of rotting of the system continue. We expect things to change; quite arrogantly we expect others to change themselves and kick start the whole process of reforming India. And yes, some people do actually try to abide by the rules, to be honest to the system. But a minority hardly ever leads a change.

Or so we think. With a kind of third revolution underway in India (the first two ones I would historically, and a little inaccurately probably, refer to the sepoy mutiny of 1857 and then the silent long struggle led by Mahatma Gandhi), Mr Anna Hazare has taken it upon himself, at an age of 74, to change the system for us. Maybe his struggle will help us, maybe it won't. But what will do to us? I read at a friend's post recently that the change has to begin at home.. don't pay bribes, don't bypass the system. Why did the VP of Morgan Stanley say he found it easier to play by the book in HK? isn't this a question we should really probe within ourselves?

Changes are always tough on self. To change from way of life we have become used to, to something that would require us to do more work and running about (at least in the initial phases of change), it is hardly a surprise that we have not achieved any significant progress in politics as well as our beliefs and thoughts. We seem to need a constant backing, some accolade when we do something great. The truth is, whenever we do anything correctly, it is what we're expected to do, and not some favour.

I'm hugely inspired by Anna Hazare. Not that I have the need to go to Ramlila Grounds and fast, but because here is a man, who wants to bring about a change not for himself, but for an entire nation! How often do we have people of this greatness and depth !

Critics of the methods he employs will always exist. (Critics are anyway a byproduct of any event that occurs, however mundane). If anything, that should give us more perseverance to adopt the rightousness that Mr Anna Hazare aims to achieve. 

Rabrindranath Tagore once wrote a beautiful poem "Let my country awake", I wish and pray, to let Indians awake!

             Where the mind is without fear and the head held high;

 Where knowledge is free;

Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls;

Where words come out from the depth of truth;

Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection;

Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit;

Where the mind is led forward by Thee into ever-widening thought and action;

Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

~ Rabrindranath Tagore

PS - No matter how much our PM says about the undemocratic ways and means employed, for me "the end would define the means".

And so.. I learn

I have a work profile which has routine calls by the call center, forwarding calls of clients who are just not able to fathom the complex product of home loans.. which neither can I, even though I am one year into this game.. anyway..

The most complex job you can ever have in your life, is understanding what the person in front of you (or on the phone) does not understand. Some will be rather forthcoming, and will let you know "ma'm I cant understand all this interest rate and stuff, what is this "amortization" ", while others will try to beat you with their own knowledge. But the knowledge of the layman, and the enterprise, will, and does, have huge gaps. So what here happens is a divide in the understanding. And then, resentment creeps in.

See, we're living in a hyper, topsy-turvy, super competitive world. No one wants to be taken for a ride in any service. So when resentment creeps in due to a lack in communication or understanding, no one takes it lying down - and then the shouting starts.

If you're new to this, you might take an emotional beating and think "why the hell is this happening?" - but as you grow to learn more how to deal with people, you try to figure out loopholes in the conversation and help him/her in the same...

But 10 such interactions in a day and you're a goner... by the time the day ends, you feel cranky, irritable and washed out. You think why are people so unresponsive, and uncooperative? Why is everyone suspicious of everything? Are we really becoming that farcical a society and community? And at the end of it all.. why does everyone throw their weight around, and shout? How can that make you feel better?

Then you're heading back to home, thoughts pounding in your head. Till the time you reach, your head is almost clear of all the garbage, and you've filtered out the negativities of the day. Or so you think..

After such a day some weeks back, I was heading home, when I was stopped by a rather ragged looking couple, carrying a weak girl - around 5 yrs in age - in their arms. The stopped me and asked "marathi aalya?" I shook my head in the negative. Then in broken hindi, the couple tried to explain how they had traveled from a town called Satara, in Maharashtra, in promise of a job by some agent. The agent disappeared after the token money - a chunk of their savings - and they had been peddling the rude roads of Mumbai since then.. their money had dwindled, so they requested for some petty cash so that they could buy something to eat for their girl. 

As an act of the good Samaritan, I almost reached into my pocket, to dole out some money, when suddenly, a cycnism filled my head... what if they are taking me for a ride? Now here's the reasoning my weary mind gives me.. 20-30 bucks is nothing for me and probably a lot for that couple, but not being able to filter out the negativities of the day, I am seeing everything with the same tinted glasses, with which we, as a service provider, are treated with the whole day..

All that internal battle of "why as a society we're so suspicious" rages storm again in my mind. Should I, or should I not, give them the money? A train of thought starts, suppose, suppose their whole story is a lie - where will that leave me? Short of 30 bucks perhaps, but more than that, I will definitely not be helping a needy person in the future.. 

And if suppose, their story indeed was true (and true bad luck for them) then I would feel really guilty for not having helped out. And what was the money to me anyway? 

I couldn't really work out what to do.. and the couple stood expectantly.. I could imagine them approaching various other people throughout the day, in the heat, and then getting an answer, which I could be arriving at, too. The depressing, monosyllabic answer, "No".

I decided to take the middle way - I didn't give them the money, but I did buy them the vada pav for all 3 of them.. and soon I realized, their story was true after all.. their immense gratitude made me feel ashamed for having doubted them.

The next day, I went to office, having forgotten the incident. As I was working, I got a call... gearing myself up for another heated discussion on the finances of a loan,interest rates, its working, I picked up the phone. It was my favourite call center executive, who (and I really admire that) is always ready with a smile in her voice, no matter how many calls, and hollering she receives. 

She says, "hey I just called to say Hi.." I reply, a bit surprised "Hi to you too!" She continues "wo aapse baat nai hui thi na 2-3 days se.. just wanted to say, you really help us out sometimes by taking the calls.. and you don't complain that the client is irritated, call center should handle it.. so we say thanks"

A simple random thanks just made my day! Probably I could do the same to some of the people I meet...

And I think, are we really that bad at handling each other? Nay! 

Probably, all we need, is a little more patience.

Veni Vidi Vici

Dear Team India,

Do you even realize what have you done?

You've made a sport more of a legend, you've given a fitting tribute to one of the best players in the history of the game, you've displayed great sportsmanship (I refer here to the toss),and you've raised the bar of the game so much so that, we will no longer think "pakistan ko hara dia na, bas!"

To millions and millions of Indians today, you provided 8 hours of nerve wrecking game, with a historical finish. Chasing a commanding total, under the lights, that too in Mumbai's sultry heat, is no mean feat. I can't isolate one single player who did not play his part, and that's why I salute you Team India.

You made people talk and plan with excitement about the impending World Cup Final. You must know, that with the advent of the world cup every 4 years, millions of frenzied cricket supporters round the country pray immensely for the Indian team to win. For as long as I can remember, there is no numerological reasoning that has not been applied, every World Cup, which had us convinced that this may be the year!!

The Journey has been long, but today there seem to be no regrets. From kids to old people, all will remember the young Indian Team who brought home the Cup which was long due since the early 80s!

Between that Kapil Dev Era, and The Sachin Tendulkar Era (as it will be known), there came many great players, who all made a willing contribution in the attempt to bring THE CUP home. But no win is easy till you have the right ingredients together.

It makes every Indian proud today to be a part of the winning side. First the successful conduct of the Commonwealth games (not disregarding the scams, which is a totally different issue) and now this win, I think this will be a huge boost towards the esteem and image of the whole of India.

To think that a sport win makes such a huge difference to our whole outlook towards everything in life, its still a big surprise why we don't push more towards a career in sports.

But that again is a debate which will keep taking more contours.. till then we will savour this amazing, unbelievable win, which is yet to sink in! It is like a placement mixed with graduation along with a farewell and a birthday party, all thrown in together, and there seems no end to which we can cheer, or clap or applause or  just be deliriously happy!!!

Cheers to the Indian Cricket Team, for having the conviction to win, and cheers to all other teams which put up an amazing fight!!! It makes our victory all the more sweeter.

Till the next world cup, boys, Party abhi baki hai!!!  

The toughest task of all..

How far would you go to keep a secret?

Picture this : you are in possession of a fact of matter, through word of mouth, and you are absolutely forbidden to pass it on further!

How would you react to this situation?

Personally, for me the thought of keeping a secret involves a lot of grey matter being utilized in keeping the blabbing mouth shut. I have to prioritize and weigh several factors - the gravity of the secret, about whom  is the secret, who has passed on to me the secret, and the repercussions, if suppose, I just let go...

Life shouldn't be complicated - as it is we have to be careful about what we say, what we do, how we present ourselves in the external world - we are trying so hard to be maintain this awesome facade - or reality - of ourselves, to the society, office, acquaintances - that when it comes to the extra burden of keeping a secret - sanity tends to topple over!

So you're in the possession of this amazing secret - the sweet tantalizing juice of impending gossip stains your thought process every now and then - Heavens forbid, if the universe decides to throw you, in this extremely vulnerable situation, with a group of friends who happen to know the subject ! Every now and then, you feel this urgent need - not to pee - but to just utter those words - "you know what I heard...."

And the relief, the calm, that sweeps through, when you know the issue is in capable hands. The dissection, the back links of the story, and the predictions of what could happen next, lend a legend to the secret, make it seem more real, and just make it worth blurting it out!

Of course, the person who trusted you so intimately, will probably just make you the last man/woman in on the next juicy piece, but you can always promise them "I'll be strong, next time on"!

And hey, maybe the next secret might just be so bland, you'll keep your word!

I'm just in possession of a secret, absolutely forbidden to blurt it out!! I hope the subject speaks soon! My reputation as the secret-keeper is already on shaken grounds!

What's wrong with you, man??

This piece of writing has references to the the male section of the society, irrespective of caste,creed, colour, age , profession or religion.

And with very very important inputs from an 18 yr old girl who has to go through it everyday. 

A girl stands on the bus stop. She can feel the gaze of every man in the vicinity, on her. A bus passes, and the ones sitting near the window all look at her. The bus moves forward, and the roving eyes move backwards. The ones who are standing, actually crouch down to have a look at the girl.

FYI, she's no hottie. She's a plain Jane. Wearing simple clothes. Yet the stares don't leave her.

She moves on, and two guys on a bike who have been "decent" enough to observe from a distance, now start following her. So weird, were they scared that the staring, spineless crowd at the bus stop might actually stop them from approaching the girl? With the bike, they can move a step ahead of their "in the bus" counterparts. "Can we drop you, ma'am", they ask, oh-so-politely.

When the girl ignores, they just laugh and drive off. Had she flipped them off, they would have been ready with more inopportune things.

You must have heard of Darwin’s theory of evolution the body structure keeps changing according to the needs – it seems in the coming generations some men will be born as head turned backwards. Check out all you want!

The scene inside the bus is no better.  With every little jerk of the bus, the men seem to topple down on the girls standing in front of them.  But oh, it’s not their fault! The bus stopped, so, according to the laws of inertia he will fall on the person in front of  him. And if the person happens to be a female, then the "level of falling" on the person doubles. That's the law. It’s not his fault now, is it?

This is not just limited to idle loafers or vagabonds. From the lowest, illiterate sections of the society, till the highly educated ones, it is seen, that a majority just cannot take their eyes off … all women! They stare, from top to bottom, almost making you feel you have something funny written all over you.  Inadvertently, almost as if on reflex, they tend to make many a women highly uncomfortable. Even if you're the dare girl type who can manage to bad mouth right on the face and move on, there's still a bitter taste of the experience left.

Nature argues that man was meant to procreate, and woman was supposed to be the care giver, and hence that is why, men are "used" to such behavioural imitations when they're around a woman. But isn't this a little too much? Hey, whatever happened to mind over matter?

I walk back from office every day. I pass through different strata’s of the society on the way. And men - just stare. There's a vacant, blank look, as if they aren’t even aware of what they're doing. Boys standing in a group - all will suddenly notice you (and by you, I mean ANY girl) one by one, signal to each other, while smiling slyly..  I mean, how juvenile is that??!!

The “stare” is omnipresent-  it’s on the road, on the bus ride, on the station, in the auto, in the market – even some of the “committed” ones,  while with their girlfriends,  can’t help but stare at other women around them. It's like an animal instinct. See a girl? Okay, STARE!

Come to think of it, my pet Tom doesn’t seem to act like that too! Maybe I should observe chimps?

And then there are the oldies also, seem to be from good families (whatever is meant by that)... the old husband walks behind his old wife dutifully, but even he can't help looking at a girl old enough to be his granddaughter. I just want to ask them, what the hell is wrong?? And if the aunty notices her husband's gaze, she'll turn around and glare at you. Is it my fault??!!

So many instances, and you know for sure, this is not a casual glance. This is what you've made yourself used to.  Education seems to do nothing.  The realization should come from within.  That I'm not an un-evolved version of the Homo sapiens who will act only according what the primitive coding in my genes says. And there could be a trickledown effect, from the upper echelons till the lowest.

Having said all this, not all men are bad, and not all women are innocent (look at 7 khoon maaf! ), but still we live in a country of 100 million gender biased Gen-previous, and I've heard more cases of girls being subjected to such occasional "man-attack".

It may be a microscopic view. But I don’t want this to become a way of life for the generations to come. 

PS - The accompanying picture is from today's edition of THE HINDU

The Dream or The Reality?

She was alone.
Standing on the crossroads, and rain poured all around her.
There was no light, not a soul in sight.
It rained so hard till the road became a shallow river.
And in the middle of it, she was alone.
A light shines from somewhere. Perhaps a car. A speck in the distance. It grows closer.
The girl seems vulnerable. Scared. And soaked to death.
Matted hair clung to her face. The excess water made her skin pallid and old rubber skin like.
She was thin. And shivering.
He felt confused. What is she doing here in the middle of the night.
Worried. He was a doctor after all.
Compassionate. Human emotions take precedence.
He slows down. Honks.
She does not budge. Looks at him, scared still.
Her dress is black. She's tall. Thin. A little self assurance creeps through, despite the state of affairs.
He stops the car next to her. Rolls down the passenger window.
Calls out  "Hey!
Need to go somewhere?"
She looks at him, blank.
It's raining hard. It's getting dark. He needs to reach home fast before this becomes a storm.
He calls out again. She's now looking ahead at the road.
Both sides are fields. There's no hut, or soul in sight.
He sighs, caught between the desire to rush, and the guilt of leaving this (probably) retarded girl here.
He gets out. Goes up to her.
My! She's nearly as tall as I am, he thinks. The chivalry shrinks a little.
It's impossible to talk in this rain. He gestures towards the car. And then waves towards the road ahead.
She turns her head slowly. Looks at the road. then the car. then the man.
She nods.
He feels relieved. Hop in, he says
She glides slowly towards the door. He rushes towards the wheel.
He sits. locks. Starts the car. Changes the gear. Accidentally (?) brushes the girl's hand.
Feels a shock. They are too cold. and hard. Almost like...
He looks at her. The eyes are boring back into his. They are black, with a strange emptiness.
Then he notices the dagger. The cold, wet, sharp dagger. He remembers the hitchhike stories.
A raise, a swipe.
Blood splashes on the car windows....


He wakes up in a fright. Cold sweat breaks out on his forehead.. But he's alive.
Next to his bed is a jugful of water and a glass. He pours himself a glass.
As he raises the glass, the girl is reflected in the steel exterior of the glass.
A raise, and a swipe..
In his last moments, he remembers the hitchhike dream...

The Dilemma and the Celebration

A ting sound and the screen goes blank

The colourful screen and background of windows gives way to a black screen, as if in mourning, and declares some error – “disk will have to be checked for consistency”

Now I’m not new to this error, the last time this happened, it cost me all the data in the hard-drive, and a new installation of windows – which again didn’t last very long. I don’t want that trauma happening again.

Whenever something wrong happens with my laptop (and laptop being my best friend, if you must know), it’s a red alert for me. Too much time goes in recovering and saving the laptop from the crash.

And the red alert seemed to be happening again.

My thoughts turned to my IT friends – more particularly, a certain someone whom I’ve always given a call when red alert happens. She’s the expert.

But that certain someone is busy today. And why would she not be? Her wedding’s just 5 days away now!

I sigh, unsure of what to do by myself. Throwing up my luck to the Gods, and keeping my faith in Windows 7, I allow the computer to reboot and check the disk.

Google searches on net confirm that the disk checking might take time, so I allow myself to slip into a reverie.

Supriya, my IT expert. I would trust her more than I trust the manuals. She seems to know the pulse of the system. Her judicious, detailed approach, make all solutions (apparently invisible to us normal folks) completely transparent. And it’s not just the IT. It’s the way she would approach every problem. “Nip it in the bud” – she would say often, quoting her father. Something she tried quite hard to implement in her own lifestyle – something which I wish to implement myself.

4 years of being roommates quite helped us to know and observe each other from close quarters. Things we could not tell anyone, we would share before we turned off the lights for sleeping. Sometimes we would sing crazy songs, trying to match our dulcet tones, carrying off a soprano with comfortable ease, moulding the two voices into one. Our similarities were few, but we weren’t night and day. We were just two tangents, tending in our own directions, but somehow trying to cross each other’s paths once in a while.

Advices we were always ready with, for each other. Criticism was never hidden – although she had a much better way of letting things known which she did not like about me – I was a bit more caustic. We had our own share of cold conversations, but more than made up the share with innocent laughter and a deeper bond. She remains, till date, one of the few people with whom I’ve been able to share, what i DON’T like, about them. Needed a lot of gumption for that!

Times changed, so did the cities. Did the conversations dip? Yes they did.. for some time, then they picked up again.. and back – the high point of every talk being, we began right where we left off. The camaraderie remained the same as ever.

Now this wonderful girl in my life is going to marry a perfect match her parents found for her. The coyness, the bliss, the happiness in her voice is all too amazing to believe! Since the day we’ve known each other, this would be the biggest step that she would be taking in her life. And I’m lucky enough to be there for her.  To see the transformation, as she gains the title of “Mrs”. To wish her all the luck in her newly wedded life. To listen to her stories, of how she balances and manages the little (and big) challenges of marital life – to know if she “nipped them in the bud”.

Funny how my laptop should go bust the day I receive her wedding card. Probably, it is to say, take over the mantle from Supriya, she’s going to be busy for the time to come J

I smile, having gone from a rewind to a flash forward in 15 minutes. I look at my laptop.

It is smiling too... windows is back.